Doubts

I KNOW.

I know he's keeping something...I know his secret. Something he wouldn't tell me. He wouldn't tell me at this point in time.

It hurts me, especially as time goes by...as our relationship becomes deeper. I ask myself why don't I tell him I know? Why don't I just leave if I have no courage to confront the truth? Must I always suffer in silence every time he's not home? That I doubt the things he says about being somewhere alone or with his friends? That I always think he's just telling me half truths?

His love...his feelings towards me are as authentic as pure gold. He holds these feelings in his heart...so precious that he protects it at all cost. I appreciate that...I do! But knowing breaks my heart...knowing makes me doubt...makes me insecure...knowing makes the trust slowly fade away. I am sad....I am angry....but I just don't know what to do.

Must I move on...back to my comfort zone? I don't know.....It doesn't help that I know.

Promises....

My boyfriend got back to work and so did I. It was a happy and fulfilling vacation for both of us. We spent two weeks and a long weekend together. We proved to each other that this was something serious. As expected, he took this more seriously than I did. Now, he wants to start a family....I...on the other hand...is still hesitant. Not because I don't want to or I don't love him enough. On the contrary, I do love him. He wants a baby...soon...even before marriage. But what he does not understand or maybe know, is that, I also love my status quo...I just cannot imagine at this point in time that there will be MAJOR changes in my life. The fact is, I am for changes ...but bring them to me gradually...integrate it slowly....I am not up for a panic attack! Ha! I have not said this to my boyfriend...as he is the opposite....decide now and do "damage-control." I envy his spunk...the good and bad side of it.

The discussion will go to the issue of my reputation...my values and what my family will say. I know I can decide what kind of life to have....and I can take on whatever life gives me. But don't I deserve a less anxious life...without the hassles and the baggages? I have faith in my boyfriend that he will make things right eventually. What I ask is not to change my comfort zone yet. Not yet!

Anyway, we have talked and agreed and decided and compromised...that this is for real and long-term. Personally, I have decided to be with him. We have said the words but we promised to put things in action. And so...for now...we wait. Things are hopeful and if things become clearer...happily ever after will follow.

Coming soon.....

My boyfriend is on board a plane right now to come and visit me...from a continent away. One of the last things he told me before boarding the plane was, "...so this is how to love someone...." Such a sweet thing my guy is! I have not seen him for 8 years. I never had a decent conversation him until a few months ago when he called me up after finding me Facebook. We've known each other for 3 decades. Never in my life have I dreamed to be with him. To be honest...he is not the man of my dreams. To be really truthful about it as well, I have never pined for anyone in "real life"....movie actors not included. But my boyfriend is someone that I've always wanted in my life....someone who loves me more than I do. Someone who is into me!

So, I've been having this mixed feelings for the past week. I just couldn't organize myself. My anxiety level is up to the roof! I could not concentrate. My sleep is disturbed.....except for last night since I have been so tired from work. Tomorrow night....we will be together. I don't mind not sleeping at all but if I do...I hope its a more peaceful one.

I have fallen in love again. I hope this is for keeps. I promise to work harder in this relationship this time. My boyfriend seems to fill the void in me. I hope he will be my last boyfriend....that's a good start...........

Valentine's Card

It has been awhile since I received and sent a Valentine's card. At this day and age...as my boyfriend pointed out...sending one is out-of-style. I told him, "...nope...in my world, its still in style..." Hence, our exchange of Valentine's greetings. My boyfriend is not the romantic type but as he pointed out aptly, he is the affectionate-type. I believe him...we come from a province known for people who are affectionate and sweet. I was happy receiving his Valentine's card....to receive a part of him. To know that this is not just a virtual relationship. That we can still be with each other...since ours is a long-distance relationship.

Now, we are at the point that we ( or he) arranged for us to meet...at last! All of a sudden, he brought up the question....whether I was sure that I want to be with him. I suddenly thought....is that question for me or for him? He reassured me that it was for me....and that he was looking out for my welfare. I guess both us are thinking of both the past and the future. The past....wherein we think of things that could be. The future....thinking of things that could be. That is a bit confusing....even for me! It's really just anxiety and worries....innate expectations of couples. No matter how many times we say that there will be no expectations.........there will always be unexpressed expectations of each other. He worries...I worry. Despite that I am still excited to meet him...and make that decision...to be together for the rest of our lives. That is scary but he seemed sure that he wants us to be together til we grow old. For me, this is refreshing since I am used to come-what-may-relationships. They were good relationships...kept me on my toes and I have learned a lot about what to do and not to do in my future encounters. It actually made me want to stop having this kind of relationships!

But every year Valentine's day comes....it makes me ask myself...is it a good idea to be with someone to celebrate this day? My answer seems always to be Yes! So here I am...exchanging valentine's again...hoping...wanting...loving!

My Life Without Me

It took awhile before I could watch this movie. Its a 2003 movie and not being shown in cinemas...got a chance to know about it when its preview was posted by a friend in facebook. He really liked the movie and the preview was interesting enough for me to look for it. Fortunately, another friend of mind finds it challenging to download movies like this. Hence, it was on our common drive one day! But before I could even watch it, I noticed that the audio in my more than one player/s in my computer was not working. But now... I have the time to actually watch it ...I downloaded the much needed converter. Yes, it was a good movie....worth the wait.

The story is about a dying young mother who is catching up with life before it ends. Told differently but in a realistic way...its living your life in whatever circumstances...the way you want it to be. Its a sad story...but its not melancholic that you would feel depressed after seeing it. It also makes you feel thankful that she did what she did before she died.

I dunno...I was thinking that if that happened to me...maybe I would stop working and spend all the money I saved...go somewhere I would really like to go, like Europe. Dying is sad though for those with families...with kids. Oh well, I like movies like this...it teaches...it reminds...it makes me appreciate more.

My friend got married and singlehood

3 days ago, a good friend of mine got married. I am very happy for her. This is it! for her. I cried....I told her I would. I cried because I was happy that this day arrived for her. I cried because I was sad...I remain to be single.

Anyway, the event was about her....I did my best to do my maid of honor duties, to make it stress free for her! We had fun especially when I saw our common friends...it was a great party! The food was good....very important for weddings. No bouquet and garter tossing....smart bride my friend, the guests were relaxed after that announcement. I did my best MOH speech, sans our other friend's advice to use the words 'big bird,' 'volcano,' and 'armor.' Hahahahaha! It was a sentimental speech....expressing everyone's sentiments for the bride to be safe wherever hubby takes her and whenever. My friend's husband can see and feel how much my friend is loved! Sniff! Such a memorable wedding....

So here I am...still single...nth boyfriend seemed pretty consistent...no marriage proposal in the nearest future....but he wants the things that comes after it. Not good enough for me...but I just cannot figure out why I still want to stick to this relationship. He knows I feel hurt...he knows its unfair for me...things like this make me feel uncertain. I am just not used to the next best thing. Is it time for me to make compromises? Geez....singlehood sucks...right now!

Thinking of having a baby....

A proposal has been made....a lifetime commitment with marriage on hold for the mean time. Oh well...I love the guy...why not? How is this gonna happen without the paper that says you are committed to each other? Yes...a baby.

I

belong to that age of women who are 1) desperate get married and have children; 2) to have a child without a husband; 3) high risk primigravidas! Ofcourse, 1) I am not desperate. I have mentioned in my earlier blog that I have resolved not to have a family before I became 40. Over the years, I have convinced myself enough that I do not need a man and a child to make me who I am. I am me...and happy to be me. I feel whole. Who says I am not? Am I rationalizing? Perhaps. But that belief sticks with me...married or not...a mother or not!

2) I do not want to raise a child without a husband. That is definite. A child is another human being, I do not want to give him baggages and garbages to carry in the future

just because I want to make myself "whole." I grew up having complete parents and for that I am thankful...I have a good life and despite my neuroticism...I feel I am a well adjusted significant member of the society. Thanks mom and dad!

3) I am scared of being a high risk elderly primi! Why does the medical community have to use the word "elderly?!!" Geez. I am scared of premature births, multiple births, diabetes, hypertension, hemmorhage. contracted pelvis, anemia, thyrotoxicosis...etc. etc. etc. Wouldn't you be? All the possible complications the OB-Gyne Society can think of. Although I have not seen an elderly primi die during birth giving....I have seen those who cannot get up from bed for months, had transfused blood, and countless other medical complications that will let you stay in the hospital and pay exorbitant medical bills! OK...the bills can be handled. But my health?????

So I say....not now...not yet...

I know I would be an awesome Mom and I will have an awesome kid! That's what keeps me wanting it. If I were to invite a stranger in my life....I would make sure he would have an awesome life with me! A kid deserves that as well...and more.

Falling In Love at 40....

I was 24 when I had my first love...unfortunately, it seemed just a one-sided relationship and was doomed to end from the start. Nevertheless, it was an eye-opener for me...naive of the ways of love and guys...or men. When it ended, it felt like it was the end of the world....of my world. To my amusement, however, after a few weeks...the world still turned and I was still alive! Since then I have learned to use reason more. It turned out that using your brain (and not your heart) has its bad consequences as well. Well, whenever my relationships ended...it would hurt, sure, but a month was too long for me to mope about it. I must admit though, that I taught myself to be less trusting...to invite less of this thing called love....romance...infatuation. However, the idea of falling in love is so addictive that I could not close the door entirely....hence, came boyfriend no.2, no.3 and a few guys in between (meaning, it was more than infatuation but less than love....I have no word in mind right now how to call that "thing.") There was a time that I was more upset ending a "thing" with one guy 'in between" as i was hoping that it could be more...and he was the most wonderful kisser I have met! I love kissing that guy! Sigh! Also, I even thought I was getting married...but in the end, I lost the guy to another woman. Ho-hum....it's not something new. A few dozen women certainly have the same story.

So...still single and almost 40...I think I was 37 years old....abroad, working, alone (briefly with boyfriend no.3)...I eventually resigned to single-blessedness. It was not so bad...in fact, it was my kind of thing. To be single...earning...can buy anything I want...buy things for my family....not worry about another person (and kids!)...eating a lot and not worrying about my weight....go anywhere, anytime, with anyone...my life as I wanted it to be, free of worries and expectations. It was like that for quite some time....I don't mind not dating... I was "free!' Admittedly, it was lonely at times and I miss kissing. But most of the time, I was content. Contentment.......who can say they have that...especially at these times? So....I decided not to mope and to "accept" the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life...to be a spinster in other words. And I swore to my future grave that I would be a happy (un-cranky as much as possible) spinster!

I turned 40...my friend said life begins at 40 (a friend who just also turned 40...LOL!) Went on a trip abroad with friends...it was awesome! I can buy designer bags...heaven! My investments becomes steady....I had options...career, etc. It felt like "I can be!" You know....be what you want and be anywhere you want. I had a good life....I can say I am happy! Content....

40 was starting when my childhood caught up with me.... I think fate was playing games with me! From the virtual world...came out my childhood friend who is now boyfriend no. 4! We are definitely older...and he had a "more exciting life"than I did. Later, I discovered his life's complications... garbage and baggage. Suddenly, I am "forced" to change my point of view...change my plans...change my dreams... Now, I question myself...for what? Is this love...I'm not even sure. You see. my jaded self is über cautious...its like I have this control over myself...control over my emotions. I like boyfriend no.4...I'm in lust with him I must admit. In love...I dunno...i feel I want to be with him and at the same time, I feel that he's bad news....a bad boy. Ooooh! What's not exciting about a bad boy? Geez...I'm too old for this. But I want it to be more (at least!)...but it doesn't feel right. Shall I settle? Surprisingly, boyfriend no.4 is crazy about me...insanely in love with me (so he says). So, what should I do????

Hang around....that will suffice for now...