Falling In Love at 40....

I was 24 when I had my first love...unfortunately, it seemed just a one-sided relationship and was doomed to end from the start. Nevertheless, it was an eye-opener for me...naive of the ways of love and guys...or men. When it ended, it felt like it was the end of the world....of my world. To my amusement, however, after a few weeks...the world still turned and I was still alive! Since then I have learned to use reason more. It turned out that using your brain (and not your heart) has its bad consequences as well. Well, whenever my relationships ended...it would hurt, sure, but a month was too long for me to mope about it. I must admit though, that I taught myself to be less trusting...to invite less of this thing called love....romance...infatuation. However, the idea of falling in love is so addictive that I could not close the door entirely....hence, came boyfriend no.2, no.3 and a few guys in between (meaning, it was more than infatuation but less than love....I have no word in mind right now how to call that "thing.") There was a time that I was more upset ending a "thing" with one guy 'in between" as i was hoping that it could be more...and he was the most wonderful kisser I have met! I love kissing that guy! Sigh! Also, I even thought I was getting married...but in the end, I lost the guy to another woman. Ho-hum....it's not something new. A few dozen women certainly have the same story.

So...still single and almost 40...I think I was 37 years old....abroad, working, alone (briefly with boyfriend no.3)...I eventually resigned to single-blessedness. It was not so bad...in fact, it was my kind of thing. To be single...earning...can buy anything I want...buy things for my family....not worry about another person (and kids!)...eating a lot and not worrying about my weight....go anywhere, anytime, with anyone...my life as I wanted it to be, free of worries and expectations. It was like that for quite some time....I don't mind not dating... I was "free!' Admittedly, it was lonely at times and I miss kissing. But most of the time, I was content. Contentment.......who can say they have that...especially at these times? So....I decided not to mope and to "accept" the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life...to be a spinster in other words. And I swore to my future grave that I would be a happy (un-cranky as much as possible) spinster!

I turned 40...my friend said life begins at 40 (a friend who just also turned 40...LOL!) Went on a trip abroad with friends...it was awesome! I can buy designer bags...heaven! My investments becomes steady....I had options...career, etc. It felt like "I can be!" You know....be what you want and be anywhere you want. I had a good life....I can say I am happy! Content....

40 was starting when my childhood caught up with me.... I think fate was playing games with me! From the virtual world...came out my childhood friend who is now boyfriend no. 4! We are definitely older...and he had a "more exciting life"than I did. Later, I discovered his life's complications... garbage and baggage. Suddenly, I am "forced" to change my point of view...change my plans...change my dreams... Now, I question myself...for what? Is this love...I'm not even sure. You see. my jaded self is über cautious...its like I have this control over myself...control over my emotions. I like boyfriend no.4...I'm in lust with him I must admit. In love...I dunno...i feel I want to be with him and at the same time, I feel that he's bad news....a bad boy. Ooooh! What's not exciting about a bad boy? Geez...I'm too old for this. But I want it to be more (at least!)...but it doesn't feel right. Shall I settle? Surprisingly, boyfriend no.4 is crazy about me...insanely in love with me (so he says). So, what should I do????

Hang around....that will suffice for now...